Thursday, April 06, 2006

Fun Stuff About Jack Bauer

I'm a huge 24 fan. I had heard some of these on Rush's show probably about a year ago, but Hugh Hewitt mentioned it on his show yesterday, and blogged it here.

From the Reformissionary (some were posted in the comments)

* Jack Bauer's calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd; no one fools Jack Bauer.

* If everyone on 24 followed Jack's instructions, it would be called 12.

* If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jack Bauer spared your life.

* Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

* There have been no terrorist attacks in the United States since Jack Bauer appeared on television.

* When someone asks Jack Bauer how his day is going, Jack replies, "Previously on 24..."

* Jack Bauer doesn't speak any foreign languages, but he can make any foreigner speak English in a matter of minutes.

* When Google doesn't know the answer, it asks Jack Bauer for help.

* When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer hates lemonade.

* If you’re holding a gun to Jack Bauer’s head, don’t count to three before you shoot. Count to 10. That way, you get to live 7 seconds longer.

* Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

* Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

* My parents told my little brother and I that Jack Bauer was "just a television character". We are now orphans.

* When Jack Bauer and Chuck Norris met for the first time, they didn't shake hands. They fought to the death. Jack Bauer won.

* Jack Bauer removed the "Escape" button from his keyboard. Jack Bauer never needs to escape.

* Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

* Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Jack Bauer laughs at Superman for having a weakness.

* Jack Bauer has been to Mars. Thats why there's no life on Mars.

* After running out of ammo, Jack stood in the line of fire, took 3 shots to the chest, and used them to reload.

* Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

* If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Meyers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Nina twice.

* Kim Bauer was an accident. Not even the pill can stop Jack Bauer.

* Jack Bauer isn't tough as nails, nails are as tough as jack bauer.

* If it looks like chicken, smells like chicken and tastes like chicken, but Jack Bauer says it's beef, it's freakin' beef.

* Killing Jack Bauer doesn't make him dead, it just makes him angry.

* You're only conscious because Jack Bauer doesn't want to carry you.

* When Kim Bauer lost her virginity, Jack Bauer found it and put it back.

* Jack Bauer won a game of Connect Four in three moves.

From Bill Streger:

* When Jack Bauer was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables.

* When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Jack Bauer.

* Jack Bauer once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Jack Bauer is never wrong.

* During the commercials, Jack Bauer calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes.

* Jack Bauer can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30.

Theological Jack Bauer Facts from The A-Team Blog (A little understanding of Bible history helps here.)

* Jack Bauer believes in Divine Election because he understands what it means to control everything.

* Jack Bauer is a Complimentarian- everyone submits to him.

* Jack Bauer once questioned the authenticity of the Bible, so he brought the authors back to life and tortured them until he was convinced they were telling the truth.

* Jesus will return when Jack Bauer dies. The problem is that he keeps coming back to life.

* Jack Bauer knows whether the earth is “young” or “old,” but no one’s successfully tortured it out of him.

* For Jack Bauer, confrontation is the only form of evangelism.

* 1/3 of the angels fell when Jack Bauer kicked them out of heaven for not telling him who they worked for.

* Jack Bauer is proof of Intelligent Design.

* Luckily, the Egyptians gave in after the 10th plague because number 11 was going to be Jack Bauer.

* The 10 spies gave a bad report because they saw Jack Bauer.

* Jack Bauer is his own accountability partner and community.

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